Stewed Smith Is A Hoax

Stewed Smith is a hoax. There, I've said it. Someone had to speak up, even if only from the internet. Now it is up to anyone out there, who cares, to prove me wrong. I started this post to offer nothing in the way of actual proof, but prefer to throw out my opinions as they come to me. I am pretty sure Stewed was fabricated, or at least embellished upon by jUiCy Davis in an effort to stem the growing legions of biodynamic wine growers fascinated by potent and tasty teas, such as cow intestines stuffed with chamomile. I can only imagine the enormous sums of revenue lost by jUiCy and Celestial Seasonings, as young ambitious grape growers and wine makers reject jUiCy's cookie cutter methods in favor of natural wine making, tea brewing, Anthroposophia and Astrologically charged viticulture. To put an end to this mass exodus and to keep the coffers full and the tenured professors employed, it seems they may have co-opted a winery and a blog called "Biodynamics is a Hoax" managed by this apocryphal cheer leader. For my part, I intend to use the wackiest quotes attributed to Stewed to illustrate how hoaxy he is.

When purportedly asked who he would like to have dinner with, Stewed responded with this telling gem: "Aristotle after a day of teaching Alexander the Great. Thomas Jefferson after the ratification of the Bill of Rights. Papa Hemingway while on safari in Africa" News to Stewed or whomever: All of the people are dead! Stewed doesn't want to just eat and talk with dead people, however; it seems he wants to protect his grape-growing and wine-making interests from Rudolf Steiner, father of biodynamics, who is, predictably, but unfortunately deceased as well. Rudy and his growing legion of followers apparently have been disrespecting non biodynamic wines and not mowing their lawns. It is unclear at this juncture what percentage of Rudy's followers are dead. From Stewed's supposed blog "...Steiner also spoke with the dead." It seems Rudy actually spoke with the dead and Stewed thus far only yearns to. This just adds fuel to the fire and must really stick in Stewed's craw.

These fermented quotes from this hoaxotical bottle tilter are numerous and in no way coherent:

"Yes, Biodynamics is a little kooky, but so what- no harm, no foul!"


"WHY IS BIODYNAMICS HARMFUL! ...I answer, not in my own words, but from an article... they are more eloquent and persuasive than I could be:"

"...like  sausage it’s not something you’re supposed to see..."


"Everyone who eats a carrot today will die!"

Whether these quotes can be ascribed to Stewed or some huge thinking machine is unclear, but here is another sampling. "I have attached my wagon to science." Stewed has attached his imaginary Radio Flyer wagon, (which contains most of his beliefs, a refractometer, pruning shears, twisty ties, sacks of N-P-K, a pair of boxing gloves, sentimental knick knacks, some elk jerky and a change of shorts) to science. It's bad enough that, for what seems eons, the scientific world has been besieged by religious fanatics, reactionary nut-sacks and evolutionary naysayers of all political factions. Now, it seems agricultural science, jUiCy and Stewed's beloved wagon are under attack from beyond the grave. Joining the fray are Mendocino, Joly Nick, and quite possibly the Atlanteans who will arrive from another solar system after visiting some friends in the Middle East. Rudy's spirit is accused of leading an army of zombie-like biodynamic hazards intent on converting conventional grape growers and wine makers into sandal wearing, dung-stuffed cow horn brandishing, compost-brained eco-terroirists.

The legendary Stewed -  who, if proven not to be a hoax, seems to be a cross between a Yeti, a garden gnome, and what I think is a toupee wearing ex-landlord of mine named Rocco - has allegedly been spotted roaming Napa Valley's Spring Mountain. Stewed, it has been said grows grapes on a hillside that the man-creature de-forested with his bare hands and has been fighting an uphill battle with erosion ever since. It is said that Stewed makes wines from these grapes with his brother, Madrone, who resembles, or may in fact be, an ericaceous broadleaved tree. The relentless taunting and constant nyah nyahs by Stewed's biodynamic neighbors has forced this presumably solitary creature out of the safety of a hillside winery and onto the safety of the internet. Sightings include the dubious yet innocuous Cork'd website.

If all else fails, Stewed seems to be intent on boxing Rudy in the nether regions, which, I am fairly certain, is generally considered a foul and a good excuse for being sent back your corner of the world. This, as long as you still have your little red wagon, is probably for the best.

I have no idea who will win this battle, but I plan on hedging my bet by taking positions in both Constellation Brands (STZ) and laying down cases of DRC. Monsanto and Whole Foods could be another option.

I have much more to say on this matter and in the coming decades I hope to convince someone that Stewed is, indeed a hoax. It may come down to these simple, but quite obviously logical and true statements. If you believe in Stewed then you can't possibly believe in Rudy. And conversely, if you believe in Rudy then you can't possibly believe in Stewed. For that matter, if you believe in KJ then you can't possibly believe in DRC. So if you believe in DRC then you are forbidden to believe in KJ. Also, if you believe in the FDA then you couldn't possibly believe in Demeter. While believing in Demeter automatically nullifies the FDA.